For those who have been following my blog for some time, you would know that I like to read.
Over the last couple of years, multiple people I coach have suggested books by Australian author David Gillespie.
Who is David Gillespie?
David is a recovering corporate lawyer, former co-founder of a successful software company and investor in several software startups. He is the author of multiple books including:
Brain Reset
Sweet Poison
Big Fat Lies
Free Schools
Toxic at Work
Taming Toxic People
He goes to great depth researching his books and then breaks them down in an easy way for the reader to consume.
I was recommended Taming Toxic People – The Science of Identifying & Dealing with Psychopaths At Work & At Home by David Gillespie and what a read it was!
In this book David goes into the details of the dynamics of toxic relationships, offering invaluable insights and practical strategies for dealing with such individuals in our lives.
With a blend of psychological research, real-life anecdotes, and actionable advice, he presents a clear case for understanding, managing, and ultimately freeing ourselves from the grips of toxic personalities.
I found it is a simple but profound read.
The book opens up with comparing an encounter with a psychopath to that of an encounter with a tiger - He will use every faculty millions of years of adaptation have given him, to determine whether you are trouble, or lunch. You cannot reason with him, you cannot threaten him, you cannot plead for mercy. Your only chance of survival is to convince him that you are more trouble than you are worth. Taming Toxic People teaches you how not to be devoured.
So how does he define a psychopath?
The book isn’t focused on psychopathic criminals and killers but rather what he calls everyday psychopaths – the colleague, boss, partner, client, candidate or child who already exist in your life and who leave us confused and tie us in knots for months, years or even decades.
In the book he divides the world into 2 simple categories:
1) Empaths – people who have the ability to empathise with others.
2) Psychopaths – people who have absolutely no empathy.
He shares the key traits of the everyday psychopath as follows:
Charming
Self-obsessed
Fluent liar
Emotionally manipulative
Completely lacking in remorse or guilt
Emotional shallowness and callousness
No responsibility for their actions
Impulsive
Parasitic
Fearless
Highly controlling
Vindictive
Aggressive and intimidating
Empaths may have some of the traits above but the main difference is that the psychopath has that key characteristic – Zero Empathy.
Psychopaths never show empathy. In fact, psychopaths are missing a part of the brain called a spindle neuron and people who don’t have enough of them tend to be psychopathic.
He doesn’t paint the psychopath as evil, rather they are completely unaware of right and wrong, just focused on their own narcissistic goals with no regard for people around them.
An important thing to acknowledge about psychopaths is that they believe they are superior to all other people and the role of everyone else is to deliver psychopaths rewards and behave accordingly.
Psychopaths have an incredible ability to charm and lie and will naturally be attracted to workplaces where they can be fast tracked into senior roles.
In the book he states that 5 to 10 percent of the population qualify as psychopathic. This seems like a high statistic but in the book he paints a picture that he is certain that you have at least one in your life, and definitely in your workplace!
Throughout the book he provides some interesting data points including the professions that are most likely to have psychopaths as follows:
Great British Psychopath Survey Results
Most Number of Psychopaths:
1) CEO
2) Lawyer
3) Media (TV/Radio)
4) Salesperson
5) Surgeon
Least Number of Pyschopaths
1) Care aide
2) Nurse
3) Therapist
4) Craftsperson
5) Beautician / Stylist
Given I have spent my career in Sales (and the majority in Leadership) it had me considering the psychopaths I may have encountered along the way.
I feel blessed that I believe I have been able to avoid these for the majority of my career either by the strength of the organisations culture and values, good hiring processes, strong leadership, my own intuition/research at interview stage and perhaps sheer luck.
In saying that, like anyone who is probably reading this blog, or will pick up the book, we can all relate to a person/people who fits the mould of what David calls an everyday psychopath!
I don’t think any of us are immune to the ability of someone who is a master at this and their ability to charm you and win you over. They will do this before turning on you, isolating you, lying to you and make your doubt your abilities by creating a campaign against you that he says in his book will take your time and resources while demanding your servitude. They will manipulate you and dismiss you without any remorse or guilt without a second thought unless they want something else from you to benefit them.
That doesn’t paint a positive picture at all!
So how does he suggest you deal with this?
Well the first answer will not come as a surprise at all.
Run from them as fast as you can or get rid of them because you can never change a psychopath!
If this is not possible in the short term then the book walks through a serious of strategies and suggestions that can be used to lessen the impact and damage they cause. For psychopaths at work, these include but are not limited to:
1) Accept reality
2) Remember this is temporary
3) Be polite
4) Maintain privacy
5) Be honest
6) Fact check everything they say
7) Be compliant
8) Be emotionless
9) Work hard on your support network
10) Be prepared
In addition to at work he breaks down how to deal with psychopaths at home (partner, parents, children and neighbours) and how to manage them at work from an organisational setting.
I will leave you to read the book to work through these suggestions in detail.
The layout of the book is in 4 parts:
The Theory
The Everyday Psychopath
Managing Psychopaths
The Psychopath in Society
I found it easy to digest with each section providing actionable advice, a good sense of humour and some examples you may not expect. (I was totally unaware of the Mother Theresa story)
The book will make you examine the people you work with and relate to and may bring light to situations in the past with a level of new clarity. I think you will find plenty of lightbulb moments as you walk through this book that you will be able to apply if (and I hope only if!) they come up in your life.
How do you deal with toxic people or behaviour? Share your experiences and thoughts below
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