Earlier in the year, I stumbled over a YouTube clip from TD Jakes. TD Jakes is a Pastor, author and filmmaker from America.
He shared a powerful message on the three types of friends that resonated with me and caused me to consider people in my life and in my circle of influence. (I have written previously on The Circle of Influence here - https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/whos-your-circle-matthew-cossens/)
His message made me reconsider the circle again in light of the three types of friends. I will paraphrase parts of his message in this blog and add my thoughts below.
So who are the three types of friends?
The first group are Confidants. “Confidants — you’ll have very few of them. Confidants are those people in your life who love you unconditionally. They are into you, whether you’re up or down, right or wrong, they are into you. They are in for the long haul.
You need the confidant. Then the confidant is those few people that come along in your life that are for you, they are with you. They are intimately intertwined in your life. They are there to make sure that you reach for destiny. They will confront you, they will get in your face. They will get in your business. They will tell you when you’re wrong because they are confidants. If you have two or three of them in a lifetime, you are a blessed person. Without them you’ll never be who you are called you to be. You need to find your confidant/s” (paraphrased from TD Jakes)
The second group are your Constituents. “They are not into you; they are into what you are for. They are for what you are for; they are your constituents. And as long as you are for what they are for, they will walk with you and work with you and labor with you but never think that they are for you. They are for what you are for, and you have to know that, because if they meet somebody else that will further their agenda, they will leave you and hook up with them, because they were never for you, they were just for what you were for; they are your constituents.
Throughout your life if you’re not careful, you will mistake your constituents for your confidants. And you will think that they are for you when they are really not for you; they are just for what you are for. And by the time you get to falling in love with them, they will break your heart as they hook up with somebody else who is for what you are for, because it was never about you anyway. It was about the causes that you represent. They are for what you are for but they are not for you. They are your constituents.” (paraphrased from TD Jakes)
I have learnt this lesson in my life more than once. Although I have a small inner circle once you are in, you are in. On more than one occasion I have had people journey with me for years who looked like confidants, acted like confidants but when push came to shove, they were constituents. I don’t hold this against them at all. I just didn’t recognise that they were for what I was for and not ‘for me’.
Constituents aren’t bad to have in your life; in fact the constituents and I achieved great things together. I’m grateful for all they have done with me and for me. They also helped me go to the next level but what became evident was I was more ‘for them’ than other way round. And that can be a painful realisation to come to!
But you will have few confidants in your life and many constituents. You need to be comfortable achieving success with them both. As a leader you need to accept this and be content that not everyone is with you for a lifetime.
So how can you tell between the confidant and the constituent?
“I can tell you how to identify people who are really for you. If they are really for you, they will weep with you when you weep and they will rejoice when you rejoice. When you walk in a room and you tell somebody good news, stop being happy for a minute and watch their reaction. If they’re not happy for you, shut your mouth and walk back out of the door, because when they are really connected to you, they will be happy for you when you share your dream. Find somebody, look in the eye and say are you happy for me? If you don’t get the right reaction, don’t tell them anything else.” (paraphrased from TD Jakes)
This is such powerful advice! And this is one of the things that became clear when I had got confidants and constituents confused over the years. The difference between the confidant and the constituent is motive. One of them will be with you for the long haul. If things go down or up they are with you. The constituent will move on if they find a quicker way or believe another who has the same cause can give them a quicker way to what they want.
One of the things I have realised as I have matured further is that you can be open, honest, transparent and build your character while appreciating that not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.
The third group are your Comrades. “These people are not for you, nor are they for what you are for. It is just that they are against what you are against. And the comrades will make strange bedfellows. This will cause people to come together who are not for you and they are not for what you are for, but they are against what you are against. And they will team up with you to help fight a greater enemy. But don’t be confused by their associations. They will only be with you until the victory is accomplished. These people are like scaffolding. They come into your life to fulfill a purpose and when the purpose is complete the scaffolding is removed. But don’t be upset when they are removed, because the building always remains when the scaffolding is removed.” (paraphrased from TD Jakes)
What an interesting perspective. We all need comrades to achieve the different purposes we have in life. His thoughts on scaffolding is thought provoking indeed. I had never contemplated this analogy before.
“Be careful then who you tell your dream to, because if you tell your dream to your constituents, they will desert you and try to fulfil the dream without you. If you tell it to your comrades, they won’t support it because they never were for what you were for anyway.” (paraphrased from TD Jakes)
There are certain dreams, goals and aspirations that should only be shared with those confidants around you. Those who are 100% ‘for you’! Those who will go through the fire with you! If you are lucky to have these people in your life then you are truly blessed.
Thank you to my confidants (you know who you are) for the impact you have on my life, for confronting me when I need it, keeping me grounded, focused, growing, accountable, being there when I need it, celebrating success and pushing me to chase big dreams. I love having you at my table of life 😊
And thank you to the constituents and comrades who have joined me on along the way, each playing their part on the journey.
What do you think about the three types of friends? Does this change your perspective on your relationships and those in your circle on influence? Share your thoughts below.
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This article is originally published at www.matthewcossens.com/blog/
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